I needed a moment

I had the idea for this post immediately after our wedding, to attempt to document the overwhelming feelings I had during the ceremony. I never did start it, for one reason and another, but after this weekend, I decided to write.

 

I needed a moment during our ceremony. Everything was so overwhelming, the words of the preacher, our surroundings on the beach, the many friends and family that attended, and the man standing before me. Both of us had been through so much to get to this point, and finally finding each other, when the preacher asked me to repeat our vows after him, I had to take a moment. I knew I couldn't go on without completely losing it. So I paused - for a good while.

 

Fast forward five months. This weekend we went to the historic Fair Barn in Pinehurst for the wedding of some good friends of ours. Two people who, like us, have been through a lot and have finally found the love of their life. It's also the first wedding I've been to since my own. There were so many emotions in the room and in my head. She walked down the aisle to Rascal Flatts' song, "Bless the Broken Road", and I lost it. Jim kept asking if I was ok, and I wasn't. I wanted to run to the side before the tears got the best of me but couldn't as I imagined the clip clop of my heels on the historic wood floors would break the peacefulness of the ceremony. So I sat.

 

With lots of tissues I made it through the candlelit ceremony. The heartfelt vows that each of them wrote, their precious son in the tiniest tux you've ever seen, passing and blessing of the rings, and the special necklaces given to each of their daughters. Everything was perfect, and I'm so happy they've found happiness with each other.

 

 

Dream or Nightmare?

I've had three dreams about my mom. The first was just her coming up an escalator, then I woke up.  In the second, we were shopping together like we would've done one random weekend. Kohl's, Penny's, looking at shirts, commenting how ugly some of the clothes are or how we'd never be able to fit into those jeans.

The third dream was last night and it was the most real of them all. I got a call that she was alive. I went to my parent's house and there she was, in a turquoise skirt and shirt. I hugged her, not believing what I was seeing, asking her how this was possible since she was cremated. She replied, "the doctors put me on life support." (hey, it's a dream, it doesn't have to make sense). My aunt and my grandma were there talking about what's been happening since she died. I stood off to the side, observing, not believing it was possible. Then I saw that she had found something that I've searched her house high and low for since she died-wishing many times I could just ask her where she had put it last. I asked her where she found it. She told me that it was under the cabinet wrapped up in towels. Next time I'm at dad's I'm going to look there.

Each morning after these dreams I wake up wanting to just go back to sleep so I can see her again. I hate these mornings.

Thirsty?

This time last year...

The man I love proposed. I called my mom first to tell her the news. She already knew. We drove to my parents' house to tell them the whole story, take pictures, and show the ring. We were so happy and excited.

When we got back to our house there was champagne and balloons on the front porch. She dropped them by while we were still at dinner. She was always so thoughtful. 

Tonight I miss her.

This has been a tough week. 

I wonder...

Is there registration in heaven? How long is the wait?
Are family and friends that have died before waiting for you when you get there?
Do you immediately get your angel wings or is there a trial period?
Can you eavesdrop on people on Earth?
Is dog heaven and people heaven the same?
Is there chardonnay in heaven?
Can you eat whatever you want with no consequences?
Are you outfitted with what you died in or do you get an unlimited closet to choose from?
Can you watch TV and movies?
Is there an alternate form of communication rather than phones or email?
Is there some better vacation spot than the beach?
Do people get assigned a "job", except it's your favorite thing to do ever?
Is there money in heaven?
Do you need an alarm clock in heaven?
Can you review your life, like on DVD?
Do you get to choose your friends?

Mom knows the answer to all these things. I will, too, one day.

Too happy?

God is punishing me for being too happy. I've told everyone about my good fortune, the wedding, how great my life is, what a wonderful husband I have. I have bragged too much, and now He's taken it all away.

Deep down I know it's not true. Things happen for a reason. God has a plan. When will I know the reason?

This time last week...

This time last week I had my mom. Now, I don't. I am having a hard time dealing with the shock of her death. I know that it's natural for children to see their parents die, but so young? I am sad for all the things she won't get to witness. Jim and me having kids, my brother settling down and being happy, my dad's retirement, my grandma continuing to enjoy her life in Raleigh, her friends' living their life. However, I'm happy that if she had to go, she went peacefully and didn't suffer and that she won't have to worry about us anymore. Her stress is gone because she is with the Lord. And that does give me some peace.
My dad has seen things that no husband should have to see. My husband has done things that no son-in-law should have to do. My grandma has seen pain that no mother should have to see. My uncle has shown strength that no brother should have to bear. My brother is too young to not have a mother; too young to be the rock for my dad that I know he is. I am amazed by my family every day and so very grateful.

This time last week I had my mom. This time six years ago, my grandma Barbie was still here. Tomorrow will be six years since Barbie died, and a week since I lost my mom. I take comfort in knowing that they are together now.

Writing about this helps. I think. I hope.