It's almost over

It's my mom's birthday. We always went shopping after Christmas and last year we went on her birthday. We found my wedding dress that day. It was a good day. We spent it together.

My family and I received a lot of cards this Christmas. Lots of "I'm thinking about you" and "I know this Christmas will be hard". Well all I've been thinking about is her. And yeah, it was hard.

Luckily this year of "firsts" is almost over.

Because I like to punish myself

I occasionally check my mom's Gmail. I don't know why I haven't deactivated the account, but I haven't. Somehow, the thought of deactivating it will erase "her". The messages she would have seen about music, and roses, IKEA, and the 'Canes. The emails she exchanged with me, my brother, and her friends.

Over the past few months, when I'm feeling particularly strong, I go in and look at a few of the emails from before and also try to clean up her inbox. It's a slow Friday at work so I decided to do it today. 253 unread emails in her inbox. Then I clicked on the chat function.

I'm not sure why it hasn't occurred to me before to click on it. I guess because I don't save all my chats. But she did. I already knew what we talked about the night she died. But there it was in black and white. The words I wrote to her and she wrote back to me. Random stuff about a new rug I got and plans for the lunch we were having that weekend for my grandma's birthday. But at 9:00pm on May 30th I read the last thing she would ever say to me, "he was kind and softspoken". She was referring to my brother's doctor. I had sent her a link to an article that one of my friends on Facebook had posted and among other things it happened to contain a picture of him.

After that, I just signed off to go upstairs. I didn't say, "goodnight, I love you", and that makes me sad.

I read through a few of the other chats. Some with me, others with her friends. I went back to this day last year to see what we were talking about. Plans for Thanksgiving food of course. Then I had to stop. That's enough punishment for one day.

Already?

Somehow, one-quarter of a year has passed. A lot has changed. So much that I want to talk to her about - laugh with her. We could make each other laugh so hard that we really should've been wearing Depends on more than one occassion.

Like this one time, we were painting my brother's ceiling a light blue. I was standing on the bed and she was standing on a chair. The house phone rings. High on paint fumes, I bent down to answer the phone that was sitting on the bed. Hello? Hello? Phone keeps ringing. Mom starts laughing. I look at her like, why are you laughing, and why is the phone still ringing when clearly I have answered the dang phone! Well, she had unplugged that phone from the wall jack without me knowing. We couldn't stop laughing. And I peed in my panties a little.

Three months gone. Already.

Tomorrow

This is not going to be a happy blog. There, you've been warned.

I'm dreading tomorrow. For every birthday wish that comes my way, I'll only be thinking of the one I won't hear.

I appreciate the cards I've received, the presents from friends, lunches, laughter, and wine (I might have more bottles than Total Wine now).  My husband threw me a surprise party this year. About two months ago I asked him not to. I did not want to celebrate my birthday. Despite my request, he did anyway. And we had a great time. Secretly, I'm glad he did it. It's exactly what my mom would've wanted...for me to be happy, with a husband that takes care of me.

Five years ago my mom and I disagreed about something. It caused a rift in our relationship for a few months. Despite us not being in the best place with each other, she still came to my work with a card, cake, and present to make my 30th birthday special. It's what she did. She always made the effort. A few months later my life changed pretty dramatically, we got over what came between us, and we became best friends.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I probably should not wear mascara.

Oh, and birthday bonus...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Ugh.

I needed a moment

I had the idea for this post immediately after our wedding, to attempt to document the overwhelming feelings I had during the ceremony. I never did start it, for one reason and another, but after this weekend, I decided to write.

 

I needed a moment during our ceremony. Everything was so overwhelming, the words of the preacher, our surroundings on the beach, the many friends and family that attended, and the man standing before me. Both of us had been through so much to get to this point, and finally finding each other, when the preacher asked me to repeat our vows after him, I had to take a moment. I knew I couldn't go on without completely losing it. So I paused - for a good while.

 

Fast forward five months. This weekend we went to the historic Fair Barn in Pinehurst for the wedding of some good friends of ours. Two people who, like us, have been through a lot and have finally found the love of their life. It's also the first wedding I've been to since my own. There were so many emotions in the room and in my head. She walked down the aisle to Rascal Flatts' song, "Bless the Broken Road", and I lost it. Jim kept asking if I was ok, and I wasn't. I wanted to run to the side before the tears got the best of me but couldn't as I imagined the clip clop of my heels on the historic wood floors would break the peacefulness of the ceremony. So I sat.

 

With lots of tissues I made it through the candlelit ceremony. The heartfelt vows that each of them wrote, their precious son in the tiniest tux you've ever seen, passing and blessing of the rings, and the special necklaces given to each of their daughters. Everything was perfect, and I'm so happy they've found happiness with each other.

 

 

Dream or Nightmare?

I've had three dreams about my mom. The first was just her coming up an escalator, then I woke up.  In the second, we were shopping together like we would've done one random weekend. Kohl's, Penny's, looking at shirts, commenting how ugly some of the clothes are or how we'd never be able to fit into those jeans.

The third dream was last night and it was the most real of them all. I got a call that she was alive. I went to my parent's house and there she was, in a turquoise skirt and shirt. I hugged her, not believing what I was seeing, asking her how this was possible since she was cremated. She replied, "the doctors put me on life support." (hey, it's a dream, it doesn't have to make sense). My aunt and my grandma were there talking about what's been happening since she died. I stood off to the side, observing, not believing it was possible. Then I saw that she had found something that I've searched her house high and low for since she died-wishing many times I could just ask her where she had put it last. I asked her where she found it. She told me that it was under the cabinet wrapped up in towels. Next time I'm at dad's I'm going to look there.

Each morning after these dreams I wake up wanting to just go back to sleep so I can see her again. I hate these mornings.

Thirsty?

This time last year...

The man I love proposed. I called my mom first to tell her the news. She already knew. We drove to my parents' house to tell them the whole story, take pictures, and show the ring. We were so happy and excited.

When we got back to our house there was champagne and balloons on the front porch. She dropped them by while we were still at dinner. She was always so thoughtful. 

Tonight I miss her.

This has been a tough week. 

I wonder...

Is there registration in heaven? How long is the wait?
Are family and friends that have died before waiting for you when you get there?
Do you immediately get your angel wings or is there a trial period?
Can you eavesdrop on people on Earth?
Is dog heaven and people heaven the same?
Is there chardonnay in heaven?
Can you eat whatever you want with no consequences?
Are you outfitted with what you died in or do you get an unlimited closet to choose from?
Can you watch TV and movies?
Is there an alternate form of communication rather than phones or email?
Is there some better vacation spot than the beach?
Do people get assigned a "job", except it's your favorite thing to do ever?
Is there money in heaven?
Do you need an alarm clock in heaven?
Can you review your life, like on DVD?
Do you get to choose your friends?

Mom knows the answer to all these things. I will, too, one day.

Too happy?

God is punishing me for being too happy. I've told everyone about my good fortune, the wedding, how great my life is, what a wonderful husband I have. I have bragged too much, and now He's taken it all away.

Deep down I know it's not true. Things happen for a reason. God has a plan. When will I know the reason?

This time last week...

This time last week I had my mom. Now, I don't. I am having a hard time dealing with the shock of her death. I know that it's natural for children to see their parents die, but so young? I am sad for all the things she won't get to witness. Jim and me having kids, my brother settling down and being happy, my dad's retirement, my grandma continuing to enjoy her life in Raleigh, her friends' living their life. However, I'm happy that if she had to go, she went peacefully and didn't suffer and that she won't have to worry about us anymore. Her stress is gone because she is with the Lord. And that does give me some peace.
My dad has seen things that no husband should have to see. My husband has done things that no son-in-law should have to do. My grandma has seen pain that no mother should have to see. My uncle has shown strength that no brother should have to bear. My brother is too young to not have a mother; too young to be the rock for my dad that I know he is. I am amazed by my family every day and so very grateful.

This time last week I had my mom. This time six years ago, my grandma Barbie was still here. Tomorrow will be six years since Barbie died, and a week since I lost my mom. I take comfort in knowing that they are together now.

Writing about this helps. I think. I hope.

Forever

Two glasses, the ocean, and the colors of the sky. (Yes I'm tipsy and philosophising...if that's a word).

Our first bummer moment

The wedding and honeymoon have been awesome. For those that are friends on facebook, I'm sure you've seen our wedded bliss captured in the posts and photos. I'll be blogging about all the happiness soon...but first I have to get this off my chest.

Right now I'm bummed. The place we're staying has double parking spots, one car behind the other. We've been parking such that my Jeep is parked behind the bike. Perfect.

Tonight we take the Jeep to an excellent seafood dinner in Calabash. We return to find an older couple pulling into the space behind the bike. As they are getting out of the car Jim gets out and asks if they'll park somewhere else. They say the front desk told them to park here and that all the spaces are double-parked. Jim nicely said well there are other spots to park in there and there (about 50 feet away and across the street) and my wife is right here ready to pull in behind the bike which we'll be taking out in the morning. After smiling on the inside about how that was the first time I had heard Jim call me his wife to strangers, the woman promptly pulled me back to reality by saying that they would not move. Jim said, well we're on our honeymoon and have been parking here all week, would you mind moving. The woman says, well I don't give a frick what you're doing, we're not moving!

Really lady? Just because you're not getting any anymore doesn't mean you have to spoil our good time. Just sayin'.

Luckily, the front desk person came outside to straighten the people out and tell them where ELSE they can park, i.e., you can't block in someone you don't know. DUH! The husband moved the car about 20 feet to a space across the street. As luck would have it, they then proceeded up the stairs to a room two doors down from us previously habitated by the good Dr. P. (Please come back Dr. P!)

Ok, thank you for letting me vent. Now to continue our awesome honeymoon.  :)

Yep...

Flaws and all, this is perfect.

Wedding Details

For those that know me, you know I'm a details gal. I like them. They make me happy. In planning a wedding, there are lots of details to be had. For the most part I'm able to process the details, make a decision, and move on. However, for some reason I'm obsessing about plates. Yes, paper plates.

Our wedding will be very informal. Friends, family, sun (hopefully), sand, nibbles, and booze. We're setting up pretty much everything ourselves. Which means we're supplying all the paper products. Which means I get to select the plates. Which means I've been to no less than ten places to look for paper plates. I've probably spent about five hours looking at, purchasing, then changing my mind and returning paper plates.

So I narrowed it down to two styles that I really like. I bring them home for the hubby-to-be. Show off the two styles, so proud of myself. He reluctantly selects one, feeling the Y chromosome slowly leave his body. I happily check off that decision in my mind when he brings me right back to reality... "Baby, they're plates".

Hanging my head in shame, "Yes. Yes they are". 

April 15th can't get here fast enough!

Birthday Boys!

Boys were born nine years ago though Pedigree says they are 68 years old! How did this happen?! Dogs don't compare to kids. I know this. Yet these Boys are the closest thing I have to kids. I take care of them, love them, and can't imagine life without them. As a celebration of Boys, I'd like to point you to a blog my friend Diana did. This was such a special gift she gave me that I will treasure always.

I'd also like to end with this quote from author and poet, George Eliot (who also happens to be an ancestor):
"We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment."

Mama loves you, Buddy and Bailey!

New blog!

I'll be abandoning this blog for the night to promote (and help write) a new blog. Check us out tomorrow, and the 5th and 20th of every month, for musings from a couple of very talented peeps, one in written form, one in visual form. Five Words Musing.

The Loooong Fall and Winter

As some friends and I are starting a new blog (more on that in a moment), I logged in and realized I haven't posted since July! How dare I?! There have been quite a few trips on the bike since July to include Raleigh Bikefest and Myrtle Beach Fall Bike Week in September.

Raleigh Bikefest-Sept. 2011

They start 'em early at Myrtle!

There was also a cold trip to Rider's Roost campground in the NC mountains in October! Much like the trip last year this trip was full of winding roads and cold weather. However this year, we remembered an e-blankie. That's the only way to camp (if you can still call that camping).

One other semi-milestone since the last post was getting my "M" and renting a Harley from Ray Price as part of my riding class last July.

A note from a peep excited to see my new license

The bike was rented, it was ridden, and then it was dropped. After some nasty bruises and some tweaks from Jim's wrench, it was returned good as new. There may or may not be another blog post in the Spring about the next rental. My bodily bruises have healed, but the ego, well we're still waiting on that bruise to disappear.

Proof!

Ok, enough of the biking, now, back to the blogging. Yes, we're at it again. In case you didn't know, 2011 was spent reflecting on the full moon of each month in "My Moon, Your Moon". Two very talented friends each shared their perspective, one in written form, one in visual form. They allowed me to tag along for fun and sometimes for my editing skillz. This year, we have a new project, Five Words Musing, the explanation for which can be found here. Stay tuned for more on the 5th and 20th of each month.