Friday, December 28, 2012
My family and I received a lot of cards this Christmas. Lots of "I'm thinking about you" and "I know this Christmas will be hard". Well all I've been thinking about is her. And yeah, it was hard.
Luckily this year of "firsts" is almost over.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Over the past few months, when I'm feeling particularly strong, I go in and look at a few of the emails from before and also try to clean up her inbox. It's a slow Friday at work so I decided to do it today. 253 unread emails in her inbox. Then I clicked on the chat function.
I'm not sure why it hasn't occurred to me before to click on it. I guess because I don't save all my chats. But she did. I already knew what we talked about the night she died. But there it was in black and white. The words I wrote to her and she wrote back to me. Random stuff about a new rug I got and plans for the lunch we were having that weekend for my grandma's birthday. But at 9:00pm on May 30th I read the last thing she would ever say to me, "he was kind and softspoken". She was referring to my brother's doctor. I had sent her a link to an article that one of my friends on Facebook had posted and among other things it happened to contain a picture of him.
After that, I just signed off to go upstairs. I didn't say, "goodnight, I love you", and that makes me sad.
I read through a few of the other chats. Some with me, others with her friends. I went back to this day last year to see what we were talking about. Plans for Thanksgiving food of course. Then I had to stop. That's enough punishment for one day.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Like this one time, we were painting my brother's ceiling a light blue. I was standing on the bed and she was standing on a chair. The house phone rings. High on paint fumes, I bent down to answer the phone that was sitting on the bed. Hello? Hello? Phone keeps ringing. Mom starts laughing. I look at her like, why are you laughing, and why is the phone still ringing when clearly I have answered the dang phone! Well, she had unplugged that phone from the wall jack without me knowing. We couldn't stop laughing. And I peed in my panties a little.
Three months gone. Already.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I'm dreading tomorrow. For every birthday wish that comes my way, I'll only be thinking of the one I won't hear.
I appreciate the cards I've received, the presents from friends, lunches, laughter, and wine (I might have more bottles than Total Wine now). My husband threw me a surprise party this year. About two months ago I asked him not to. I did not want to celebrate my birthday. Despite my request, he did anyway. And we had a great time. Secretly, I'm glad he did it. It's exactly what my mom would've wanted...for me to be happy, with a husband that takes care of me.
Five years ago my mom and I disagreed about something. It caused a rift in our relationship for a few months. Despite us not being in the best place with each other, she still came to my work with a card, cake, and present to make my 30th birthday special. It's what she did. She always made the effort. A few months later my life changed pretty dramatically, we got over what came between us, and we became best friends.
Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I probably should not wear mascara.
Oh, and birthday bonus...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Ugh.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
The third dream was last night and it was the most real of them all. I got a call that she was alive. I went to my parent's house and there she was, in a turquoise skirt and shirt. I hugged her, not believing what I was seeing, asking her how this was possible since she was cremated. She replied, "the doctors put me on life support." (hey, it's a dream, it doesn't have to make sense). My aunt and my grandma were there talking about what's been happening since she died. I stood off to the side, observing, not believing it was possible. Then I saw that she had found something that I've searched her house high and low for since she died-wishing many times I could just ask her where she had put it last. I asked her where she found it. She told me that it was under the cabinet wrapped up in towels. Next time I'm at dad's I'm going to look there.
Each morning after these dreams I wake up wanting to just go back to sleep so I can see her again. I hate these mornings.
Friday, June 15, 2012
The man I love proposed. I called my mom first to tell her the news. She already knew. We drove to my parents' house to tell them the whole story, take pictures, and show the ring. We were so happy and excited.
When we got back to our house there was champagne and balloons on the front porch. She dropped them by while we were still at dinner. She was always so thoughtful.
Tonight I miss her.
This has been a tough week.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Are family and friends that have died before waiting for you when you get there?
Do you immediately get your angel wings or is there a trial period?
Can you eavesdrop on people on Earth?
Is dog heaven and people heaven the same?
Is there chardonnay in heaven?
Can you eat whatever you want with no consequences?
Are you outfitted with what you died in or do you get an unlimited closet to choose from?
Can you watch TV and movies?
Is there an alternate form of communication rather than phones or email?
Is there some better vacation spot than the beach?
Do people get assigned a "job", except it's your favorite thing to do ever?
Is there money in heaven?
Do you need an alarm clock in heaven?
Can you review your life, like on DVD?
Do you get to choose your friends?
Mom knows the answer to all these things. I will, too, one day.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Deep down I know it's not true. Things happen for a reason. God has a plan. When will I know the reason?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
My dad has seen things that no husband should have to see. My husband has done things that no son-in-law should have to do. My grandma has seen pain that no mother should have to see. My uncle has shown strength that no brother should have to bear. My brother is too young to not have a mother; too young to be the rock for my dad that I know he is. I am amazed by my family every day and so very grateful.
This time last week I had my mom. This time six years ago, my grandma Barbie was still here. Tomorrow will be six years since Barbie died, and a week since I lost my mom. I take comfort in knowing that they are together now.
Writing about this helps. I think. I hope.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Right now I'm bummed. The place we're staying has double parking spots, one car behind the other. We've been parking such that my Jeep is parked behind the bike. Perfect.
Tonight we take the Jeep to an excellent seafood dinner in Calabash. We return to find an older couple pulling into the space behind the bike. As they are getting out of the car Jim gets out and asks if they'll park somewhere else. They say the front desk told them to park here and that all the spaces are double-parked. Jim nicely said well there are other spots to park in there and there (about 50 feet away and across the street) and my wife is right here ready to pull in behind the bike which we'll be taking out in the morning. After smiling on the inside about how that was the first time I had heard Jim call me his wife to strangers, the woman promptly pulled me back to reality by saying that they would not move. Jim said, well we're on our honeymoon and have been parking here all week, would you mind moving. The woman says, well I don't give a frick what you're doing, we're not moving!
Really lady? Just because you're not getting any anymore doesn't mean you have to spoil our good time. Just sayin'.
Luckily, the front desk person came outside to straighten the people out and tell them where ELSE they can park, i.e., you can't block in someone you don't know. DUH! The husband moved the car about 20 feet to a space across the street. As luck would have it, they then proceeded up the stairs to a room two doors down from us previously habitated by the good Dr. P. (Please come back Dr. P!)
Ok, thank you for letting me vent. Now to continue our awesome honeymoon. :)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Our wedding will be very informal. Friends, family, sun (hopefully), sand, nibbles, and booze. We're setting up pretty much everything ourselves. Which means we're supplying all the paper products. Which means I get to select the plates. Which means I've been to no less than ten places to look for paper plates. I've probably spent about five hours looking at, purchasing, then changing my mind and returning paper plates.
So I narrowed it down to two styles that I really like. I bring them home for the hubby-to-be. Show off the two styles, so proud of myself. He reluctantly selects one, feeling the Y chromosome slowly leave his body. I happily check off that decision in my mind when he brings me right back to reality... "Baby, they're plates".
Hanging my head in shame, "Yes. Yes they are".
April 15th can't get here fast enough!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I'd also like to end with this quote from author and poet, George Eliot (who also happens to be an ancestor):
"We long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. Heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment."
Mama loves you, Buddy and Bailey!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
|Raleigh Bikefest-Sept. 2011|
|They start 'em early at Myrtle!|
One other semi-milestone since the last post was getting my "M" and renting a Harley from Ray Price as part of my riding class last July.
|A note from a peep excited to see my new license|
The bike was rented, it was ridden, and then it was dropped. After some nasty bruises and some tweaks from Jim's wrench, it was returned good as new. There may or may not be another blog post in the Spring about the next rental. My bodily bruises have healed, but the ego, well we're still waiting on that bruise to disappear.